Should You Have an Aging Parent Move in with You?

In the past, it was common for multiple generations of a family to live together. As seen on TV, multigenerational households have been portrayed as warm and supportive (like The Waltons) or wackily dysfunctional (like The Conners); real life is, of course, usually somewhere in between.

With the youngest of the Baby Boomers turning 60 this year, and the eldest Boomers closing in on 80, multigenerational households are again becoming more common. There are many reasons for this: older family members may need care or company, younger ones may need affordable housing or help with childcare, and economic conditions are making people take a look at meeting all of those needs under one roof. 

Should you have an aging parent move in with you (or move yourself and your family in with your parent)? The answer depends entirely on your family’s circumstances. Here are some things to think about.

Family Dynamics

There are two types of family dynamics at play here: your relationship with your parent, and your relationship with your spouse and children. In both cases, you should be prepared with the emotions that come with a move. 

Your parent is accustomed to living independently, and you are used to being the adult in charge in your home. If your parent moves in, you will both have an adjustment to make. Your parent may have to come to terms with some loss of their independence, and you will both have to be careful not to fall into old parent-child patterns (you’ll know that’s happening if you feel like storming off to your room and slamming the door like a teenager, yelling, “You can’t tell me what to do!”). If your parent is needy instead of bossy, you may find yourself resentful of their demands on your time.

If you have a spouse and children, remember that things are changing for them, too. In the best case scenario, you are setting a good example for your own kids about how families support their adult members—an example that could benefit you someday! It may also be a wonderful opportunity for your kids to develop a stronger bond with their grandparent.

But it’s also likely that your family members could have some stress or resentment about the changes, even if they adore your mom or dad. It’s critically important that your spouse and kids get to express those feelings to you, so you can figure out together how to best meet everyone’s needs.

Space and Privacy

Moving another family member into a household raises the question of whether there is enough space, but it’s more than a question of whether you have enough bedrooms. You may need to make modifications so the space is accessible for your parent, both now and as their needs increase. Can they handle stairs? Will a bedroom need to be built (or vacated) on the first floor of the home? Will wheelchair ramps be needed, doorways widened, bathrooms renovated to meet their needs? If so, can you or they afford it?

Privacy is another aspect of the question of whether there’s enough space. Spending time together as a family is wonderful, but everyone in the house should feel like they have a space that is their own.

Care Issues

You may be considering having your parent move in because their health is declining. It’s important to do a candid assessment of the care they need and whether you can provide it. If you have a busy career, even working from home, you may not have the time or energy to provide the level of care your parent needs. You may need to manage their medications, assist them with activities of daily living, shuttle them back and forth to doctor appointments, and help them manage chronic conditions.

You may be able to manage your parent’s needs at home, but it’s possible that you will need to hire help such as personal care aides or other caregivers. Remember, too, that while you may be able to manage your parent’s care today, continued decline may mean that you need to reevaluate the best living situation for them. They may need to move to a long-term care facility if you can’t provide the needed care, or you may need to get additional support to enable them to remain in your home.

Budget Concerns

Often, living in a multigenerational household is a cost-effective option for all involved; there’s only one rent or mortgage payment instead of two (or more). Even so, there needs to be clear communication about how expenses will be handled. Will your parent contribute a fixed amount toward household expenses? Pay for a share of monthly groceries and household utilities? You can work it out any way that makes sense for your family—just make sure to work it out before your parent moves in, so you all have the same expectations.

Legal Documents

It’s wise to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Your parent may be capable of managing their own finances and health care now—but what if that changes? You all need to be prepared, and your parent needs to do some incapacity planning while they are still able to. Incapacity planning will include, at a minimum, advance directives including a Patient Advocate Designation and a durable financial power of attorney, as well as HIPAA releases so their medical providers can communicate freely with you. 

Having these documents will give your parent peace of mind that their needs will be met and their wishes honored. You will also feel better knowing that you can step in to assist your parent with their business if and when they need you to. 

There are a lot of details to consider when you are thinking about having an aging parent become part of your household. Under the right circumstances, and with the right preparation, it can be a positive experience for everyone. Speaking to an elder law attorney before embarking on a move can help you to feel ready for this new chapter, or to find alternatives for your parent if necessary.

To learn more about planning for an aging parent’s care, contact Estate Planning & Elder Law Services to schedule a consultation.